Mitt Romney Disagrees With You: an Anti-Endorsement

Romney showing a crowd how hard he would headbutt you if you were there.

You’ve got to hand it to Mitt Romney, he has managed to craft a campaign where no matter who you are, no matter what you believe, he is 100% against you. I mean you, personally, and all of your friends and loved ones. Even your enemies. That is no easy task! Even David Duke had a dedicated core of (supremely racist) supporters that agreed with his positions. But not Mitt Romney. He has clearly articulated positions that disagree with every living, breathing, tax-paying American in all of America.

Are you pro-life? Well fuck you and your backwards thinking Mitt Romney says! He’s the kind of guy who’ll “protect a women’s right to choose.”

Do you believe that women should be in charge of their own bodies and the government should stay out of it? Sorry sweetie, Mitt just doesn’t think you can be trusted with a weighty decision like that. He would be “delighted!” to sign a bill to outlaw abortion and thinks we should definitely overturn Roe v. Wade.

Ladies, don’t sit down yet. Mitt’s not done bending you over the civil rights barrel. The Blunt Amendment? The one that would allow employers and insurance providers to choose not to pay for certain procedures (abortion) or medication (birth control) that they find “objectionable”? That bill? “Of course I’m for it.” Alright now fellas! What’s cooler than bein’ cool? Are you tired of paying for a woman’s personal fornication habits, just because you employ her? The Blunt Amendment is your answer! So Mitt’s got a message for you: “I’m not for the bill.” Because no matter who you are and what you believe, Mitt Romney is a man who 100% disagrees with you.

What about government spending? Are you a full-blooded liberal who thinks the Government has a responsibility to invest resources to give people on the skids a leg up? Are you a resident of the northeast, or Florida, or New Orleans, or Joplin, MO or pretty much anywhere who thinks that when the wind and water wipe out your community that the government has a duty to respond with a combination of money and competence to get the lights back on and the lives back in motion? Well Mitt Romney has a message for you. Not only is it “immoral” to spend money on silly bullshit like natural disaster relief, he thinks natural disasters are a fucking joke and you’re a joke, too.

On the other hand, are you a fiscal hawk? Do you think, rightfully so, that the government is spending too much money that we don’t have? Damn straight! Couldn’t agree more! But you know who sees it differently? MItt Romney. He thinks the federal government is his own personal piggy bank because, as a registered lobbyist, he syphoned 1.3 Billion Dollars out of the federal government to pay for some bullshit games in Utah. That’s your money! Did you get to play any games? No! But you paid for it all the same because Mitt Romney has loose pockets and personal enmity for you.

How about that homosexual agenda? Do you believe in traditional marriage? Not that you personally have anything against homosexuals (who are you to judge, right?) but you are sure that marriage is and always has been between a man and a woman. Well MItt Romney couldn’t disagree more. He just loves homos! He did promise, after all, to be better than Ted Kennedy for gay rights, and Ted Kennedy was as close to gay as you can get while still being a philandering Kennedy.

Or are you, in fact, gay? Are there people in your life that you care about, friends, family–that are gay? Are you a thinking feeling person who doesn’t understand why on God’s green earth people are so concerned with the sexual proclivities of others? Do you find it morally repugnant that some would seek to deny rights to others that they themselves enjoy? Well meet Mitt Romney, the very spring from whence moral repugnancy flows. Mitt would like to prevent gays and lesbians from having hospital visitation rights or children.

Unless, of course, you are hoping he will indeed crack down on those homosexuals and prevent them from eroding America–in that case you should probably know that he’s been assuring gay people in private meetings that he loves them and hates you.

What’s that you say, you support Obama’s health care reform law? Mitt doesn’t. Not only does he not support it, he called it unconstitutional and then I’m pretty sure he printed out a copy of it, wrote your first and last name on the front page, and then wiped his ass with it while staring you straight in the eyes.But you, my freedom-loving friend, cannot brook this government takeover of our health care system. Government mandates can kiss your red-blooded ass, am I right? Well Mitt Romney is going to kiss himself chapped down there because to him government mandated health care isn’t just good, it’s essential!

We could do this all night. The fact that this candidacy is being taken seriously at all, by anybody, is a testament to the power of money in politics and nothing more. Mitt Romney is an abysmal candidate. His campaign has all the veracity of a world-class charlatan but none of the charm. He would make an historically bad President.

As you go to your polling place and stare at the choice before you, picture the thing you love most in this world. And know in your heart, that at some point, somewhere, Mitt Romney has taken a firm stand against you and the thing you love. So on Tuesday make sure you return the favor.

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